New Year, New Thoughts.
an excerpt from my journal + how I'm feeling right now
Reflecting on the final moments of 2024, I wrote the following:
One of the things that really struck me in the final moments of 2024 were the people that showed/expressed the impact that I had on their lives this year. SL still remembers and holds onto the messages I sent her when she was dealing with her breakup, F saying I made form time enjoyable…I sometimes forget that I’ve meant something just as much to the people that mean something to me. I take quite an individualistic path with my life - I was alone settling into my permanent secondary school, the only person who made it to [insert prestigious sixth form] from my secondary school and basically alone going to University. I’m doing my acting journey on a path all my own, I left my job and acting school with little thought other than “keep going” and I’ve made it to accom on my own. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a passerby and the world can’t stop to see me, which is true. It moves and rages, regardless of my path. But I am noticed. Little by little, I am the blur that doesn’t stop as the car drives through a green light, the stylish outfit you couldn’t take a picture of and the conversation you needed for a moment that went in an instant. I am here and I am not only noticed, but appreciated. I forget that sometimes.
I did cry a little as I wrote that. I feel that I write a lot better in my journal/on paper, perhaps because I feel it’s a more intimate medium to express my thoughts and because I feel zero judgement knowing I can share as much as I want from it. Ultimately, it’s still a deeply private and personal document, but I don’t feel too bad allowing a few glimpses here and there. It’s bound to happen anyway because I update my journal in the most random and public of places as well as the private. Today, I begin the new year feeling a little sad, but relieved, because of a guy.
We seemed to be going towards a positive path together but one day, I saw that he unfriended me on Snap and I sent a sad but final message back. The message was along the lines of ‘I haven’t done anything, you should’ve communicated any issues and I would’ve fucked off as quietly as I arrived’. Secretly, I hoped that he’d find a way to message me or tell me that it was some kind of misunderstanding. I dreamed about the scenario where he’d tell me that I was silly for even thinking he had left me and some serious circumstance had caused all this. After a random insta messaged me and I got hopeful it was him, I knew I had gone insane. Today, I unfriended him back and immediately went to buy ingredients for dinner. Beef massaman curry today. I can cook decently and I added a few leftover aromatics from the time I made a Black British version of bangers and mash, so I’m sure I await a very good dinner in a few. I also taste tested and shit is good. I’m almost describing the end to our brief fling like how amicable parents who never fought in front of their children describe their divorce to their dumbfounded kids. But really, I didn’t see it coming. Unfortunately, I find it hard to sit in a bad feeling for a long time. I’m pulling myself together. It’s one ending after another.
For example, the end to my relationship with my nail tech since my year 11 prom. They do not listen to my demands with colour, are forgetful, I find myself having to pretend to play dumb in order to avoid an argument and I’m tired of ignoring that I never leave completely satisfied just because they’ve nicknamed me ‘clever one’ in Mandarin. I’m told all the time that I’m clever. It’s time I am just Halle and I actually get what I want. The nails I have now aren’t necessarily bad in any way, it’s just they aren’t what I asked for the umpteenth time and I feel that I finally can’t take it. Honestly, I feel like it’s less about the nail techs themselves and more about me feeling that I’m preventing myself from getting what I deserve.
I THINK I DESERVE MORE BECAUSE I THINK THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN WHAT I’M ACCEPTING.
Does that make sense?
Since I was young, I’ve had a strong belief that everything that I have now is not all that will be given to me. I have tall plans about the kind of things I’ll get in the future - a Cartier engagement ring, Tiffany wedding ring, my own plots of land in Europe, Ghana and The States alike, rows and rows of 6 inch designer heels, becoming an EGOT winner, a love that makes sense for me, a family I am wholly comfortable in - and the more I feel that I’m inching away from it, how quickly I withdraw from that path. The moment I felt that my first (and so far, only job) was restricting me, I put in my 4 weeks’ notice. The moment my acting school didn’t align with my vision, I withdrew with full knowledge I wouldn’t get my £200+ deposit back*. Whenever I’m in certain positions, I think to myself whether future me would take that. Would I be okay with things that don’t fit my vision? Willingly accepting being taken from? Being uncomfortable? When the answer is no, I go. It’s sort of directionless sometimes, but it works. It makes me wish I was still a Christian whenever I struggle with this. If I didn’t like girls, I’d probably be Christian, but I do, so I see no point in following a religion that (no matter what argument given to me) says that the love I have the capacity to feel is sinful. I’m not comforted by someone saying that we all sin and include how I feel as a sin among thievery, adultery, lying and murder. In future me fashion, I asked myself whether I would believe in a system that condemns my love and it was a swift no. It doesn’t stop me from feeling a Godlike presence, or at least some form of divine, watching my every step.
The decisions I make are no longer governed (if they ever were) by a Maker of some sort, but the guilt persists. I had casual sex, but I still wish for monogamy. When I don’t wish for marriage or a family when I dream, a part of me is angry that I’m so attached to the world I live in instead of the promised life told to me afterwards. But I am a worshipper of life. I love to live. In living, I try and do everything I can to experience what I can at its fullest, even if it means putting myself in unfamiliar situations over and over again.
I don’t know what this year holds, but I believe it’s the beginning of something big. I don’t know what exactly, but something. To start it off, I’m trying to write on Substack every day as well as my journal (been almost every day consistent with that since March 2023) and brace the unknown with this little community. I did really want the guy I just unfriended to be a part of the future unknown, and he still could. Never say never! But if he isn’t, I’m not angry. One thing I can say about him is that he is the type of man that makes you want to better yourself when you’re around him because of how much he’s done to better himself/achieve his goals. I think being with him officially would have me constantly working to better myself for me and to also work to get to (and eventually surpass) his level. I guess that just wasn’t how I was meant to start the year. The vibe for 2025 is straight business :)
Good luck to everyone beginning their journey towards their goals!
-Halle